These past couple of years have proved to be very challenging for couples.  Lately I’m finding that I’m providing relationship counselling for more and more people who just can’t work out how to get over a breakup.  Whether it finished in a positive or negative way, it can often leave them with feelings of heartbreak, loneliness, and sadness.

If you’re struggling to get over a breakup, here are some tips to help you let go of the sadness and get back to your old self again.

Prefer an audio version of this blog?  Click on the video below.

7 ways to get over your ex

1. Get realistic about your thoughts

Examine the thoughts you’re having about your ex.  It’s probable that you’re thinking of all the good memories.  The happy times of the two of you together.  The times when they were looking attractive; smiling, being ‘perfect’.

But what about all the bad times, the arguments, all the reasons for the breakup – did you forget about those?

Because of course, if your relationship was so perfect, you’d still be together, right?

Now that you have a realistic idea of what thoughts are running through your mind, you can begin to disrupt them so they lose their power to make you feel bad.

 

2. Play a new movie

Are you running a movie in your mind about your ex? If so, it’s probably a highlight reel of all the great times you shared together.  This isn’t helpful.  It might feel virtually impossible to simply erase it – so here’s a trick – it’s pretty easy to just scramble it so it stops affecting you.  Start by changing it from colour to black and white.  Then stop it dead in its tracks, and rewind it back to the beginning.

Now play a different movie of a bad time in the relationship – a time when you were arguing, for instance.  Remind yourself why the relationship wasn’t working, so you can keep a more realistic attitude about it all.

Check out my video for a very effective way to scramble any unwanted thoughts by clicking here.

 

3. Paint a different picture

Whenever you think of your ex, I bet you’re imagining them looking their very best.  That time when they were dressed in their finest clothes, maybe going to a party.  Smiling, laughing, looking great.

Shrink that picture down to a tiny size.  Then, just like you did for the movie, replace it with an image of them looking their worst.  Maybe you can remember a time when they were drunk, complaining, or shouting at you – make this new picture big and colourful, and imagine hanging it on your wall.

 

4. Change the record

If you’re remembering the sound of their voice, change it from sweet and pleasant to raucous and annoying.  Use your creativity.  It doesn’t have to make logical sense.  For example you could choose a voice from a cartoon character that really grates on your nerves.

 

5. Declutter them from your life

Look around you – are there little mementos scattered around, reminding you of them?  Pictures of the two of you together on your phone.. a gift they gave you tucked away in a drawer… an item of clothing they left behind somewhere?

You know what you need to do.  Clear it all out.  Those old memories will keep sparking your feelings and stop you from moving on.  Physical decluttering sends a powerful message to your emotions that you’re ready to move on.

 

6. Create your Power Phrase

Think of a phrase to say to yourself that will counteract all those ‘rose-tinted glasses’ moments.  It might be something as simple as ‘she doesn’t love you anymore’, or ‘time to move on’.  Look in the mirror and say it out loud to yourself whenever you need to, as though you were your own best friend giving yourself a pep-talk.

 

7. Fill in the gaps

When a relationship ends, it can feel like there’s a gaping hole left in your life.  What was it about the relationship that was nurturing and fulfilling for you? What emotion did it spark in you?  How about creating that feeling for yourself?

Whatever it is that you miss most about the relationship, try to recreate it in your life now.  Show yourself the love that you deserve.  They’re not there any more to give it to you, but YOU can.

If you’re missing all the fun things you used to do together, then think of how you can add some joy into your life now.  Put on your favourite music and have a dance.  Go to a comedy show or movie.  Call a good friend and have a laugh over old times.

Is it a feeling of security that you miss now they’re not there?  Think about how you could provide yourself with that security.  For instance, you might decide to have a look through your financial arrangements and make some changes, or contact a relevant advisor.

Maybe it’s simply companionship that you miss the most?  Contact some friends to arrange a get together, or look around your area to see if there are any groups you might like to join.

Think back through your relationship to a time you might have liked to do something, but you were held back because your partner wasn’t keen on the idea.  Now’s your time to do that thing you always wanted to do.

 

Private relationship counselling to help get over a breakup

I hope these tips are helpful for you.  If you feel you’d like some private counselling for getting over a breakup, then get in touch for some confidential one-to-one sessions.

Relationship counselling doesn’t have to be for two people.  During sessions my clients work through their feelings and get a sense of who they are as an individual.  A relationship breakup can be a very empowering and transformative time, especially if you’re guided in a positive direction.

I work online using video chat such as Zoom or Facetime, so it’s easy and convenient to access my services, no matter where you are.